UEFA Champions League Matchday 1 takeaways


As requested by the most annoying Real Madrid fan I know, I’m bringing in the futbol reviews for each week of the champions league just like my NFL reviews (except the fantasy part, I have to know how to play that first). These are my top 5 takeaways from the Champions League Matchday1:

  1. THE EPL IS LOOKING REALLY FRAIL OUT THERE!!!: The English Premier League is top flight in class and cash everybody knows that, but for the past few years with me getting into futbol real heavy, I’ve noticed that when those bright Champions League lights come on and that background music (The CHAMPIIIIOOONNNSSS!!! I need to know who does that by the way) English teams tend to fold like Wal-Mart lawn chairs and these past two days were no different. 3 out of the 4 Champions League teams were beaten handily and Manchester City caught the hot one @ HOME!!! I will still be an English Premier League fan and supporter but for the like of Manchester United, Manchester City, and Arsenal, these group stage games actually count ya know??? Of Course of all the teams to secure a Victory, it had to be Chelsea, who were getting slapped around like the fat kids in Heavy Weights (classic) decided that they were going to be as good as they’re payroll deemed they should be!!! I love this time of year!!!
  2. LA LIGA IS HERE TO SHOW AND PROVE!!!: I hate those overgrown pansies as much as anyone who watches English domestic football, but sheesh! Every single La Liga team put the smack-down on everybody! Except Valencia who right now looks like the red-headed foster child of La Liga. I mean I watched a ton of futbol with my all-access Fox sports pass and man Sevilla proved why they went Back to Back (*Drake voice*) in the Europa League by throwing the A-town stomp on a very formidable Borussia Mönchengladbach squad who mailed it in after the first goal for some reason. Then the overrated pansies Los Blancos aka Real Madrid led by captain hat trick himself CR7 blasted Shakhtar in a 4-0 route. My dark horse for the La Liga contingent who I thought would go into the final 4 without overrated Mandzukic, Athletico Madrid made light work of Galatasaray who like last year got down in the match and their crazy Turkish mob started to mini-riot in the stands (those are the wildest fans I’ve seen in soccer…that’s just TV too!!!) and I turned the channel because I knew they mailed it in as well once their fans mentally left the building. Then the mighty pansy squad Barcelona with the only boring draw of the La Liga contingent and boring all the way around.
  3.  HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WATCH FRENCH FOOTBALL??: I mean c’mon, this has to be the worst league I’ve seen when it comes to Champions League performance!!! I count Paris Saint German as the lone team to do anything until that dreaded final 8 comes up and Ibra goes Space Ghost coast to coast on me and Cavani is one episode short of Where in the world in Carmen Sandiego!!! Although Cavani scored in yesterday’s match I yawned and knew that he was doing this to lesser competition, and when the real competition gets thick, I want to see if they get lost like the idiot traveler you never wanted in the old Oregon Trail game (I used to laugh when johnny always got lost right after we went hunting!!! He didn’t have a gun, map, or anything, but we always knew when he died of shingles somehow!). Anyway French futbol is boring until further notice, Lyon is just a filler team, until proven otherwise and I just saved a bunch of money for gambling by not picking French futbol teams to thrive in European competition!!!
  4. MY MY MY THE OLD LADY STRIKES AGAIN!!: La Vecchia Signor, better known as the futbol club Juventus shocked me once again! I honestly thought that they were somewhat of a name draw fluke for making it to last year’s final, but they continuously prove me wrong with the great loans and pickups that they get!! They underpaid for super pansy Mario Mandzukic, who ironically scored a gimme goal thanks to the futbol version of “The Mailman” Paul Pogba (is there anything this kid can’t do?!?!?! all around baller!!!!) they received a firecracker of talent ON LOAN nonetheless in Juan Cuadrado, AND STILL have on of the best back fours in all of Europe!!! Bravo!!! With all that said the one player who is making a great impression on me is the kid Alvaro Morata (formerly of the pansy Los Blancos) who always comes up big in those “We need a score ASAP” moments and he has yet to fail when I see him!!! Always in the box at the right time, sort of Thomas Mueller-like and leads the charge for the rest of the troops, and then I can’t forget the anchor of it all 37 year-old goalie Gigi Buffon, who has seen it all and done it all and besides that weak Vincent Kompany move on Cheillini would have scored a clean sheet!!! Juventus putting everyone on notice!!!!!
  5. SHAME AWARDS TIME!!!!: SHAME on Barcelona goalie Marc Ter-Stegen for letting AS Roma player Alessandro Florenzi to blast this hail mary right over you!!! SHAME ON YOU!!! SHAME on Vincent Kompany for taking credit for a goal you cheated to get by spring boarding and holding Cheillini down (which is illegal) and then taking credit after it hits HIS head and goes in!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!! SHAME on M. Tel-Aviv goalie “Whatever his name is!” for letting this goal BOUNCE IN FRONT OF YOU, then right past you for one of the easiest looking free kicks I’ve seen since Gareth “Master Pansy” Bale played for my beloved Tottenham Hotspur!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!

That’s all for this week on my Champions League top 5 takeaways!!! Up next is my Barclay’s Premier League top 5 takeaways which will be every week the BPL is live and kicking!!!! Thanks for reading!!!!!

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