The Bottom Line is: Myspace should be stripped from existence


myspace rip

We millennials who grew up with the great technological privileges that most 2 year old children have waiting at their finger tips as soon as they are able to say they’re first words. I myself, came from an era of the half and halfs. Half of my life I had to always remember phone numbers for emergencies and go up to a girl a shoot my shot without the “easy button” direct message. The other half was spent developing my internet game and placing names in a smart phone, only to be dumb enough to never know they’re numbers if my phone ever died. I said all of that to say,even though the cell phone craze was bubbling around the year 2003-2004 era, I knew that the creation of MySpace would forever change the social landscape of not only friendships, but dating and relationships overall. The creepy white guy who had a white board full of writing we wanted to read but was never legible enough to read was giving nerds as well as guys who did not have problems in the friend department the cheat code for meeting the opposite sex. Even if you have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. you have to always give props to the originator of the awkward online meeting scene to Tom and his innovative creation of MySpace.

Now to my real point. As I stated earlier Tom was a visionary in the year 2003. Back when Nokia, Ericsson, Sidekicks were the powerhouses of the cell phone game, and you still had to pay 10 cents per text. Those WERE the days let me tell you. This is 2015 and every single social media company I named earlier is destroying MySpace and has been throwing quarterly hay makers at the company since their respective inception. Don’t get me wrong MySpace had more than its fair share of a great run. I mean who could forget when you thought you were a web page designer and could layer any background, cool memes, ESPN tickers, and bedazzled everything, create a rift in your friendships by only putting the best 8 people you knew on your front page without clicking on the rest of the friends (this was female purgatory), plus choose THEME MUSIC FOR YOUR PAGE!!! I thought my mind exploded like the Asian kid on Fresh Off the Boat the first time he heard hip hop. It was great! You had everything a young millennial mind wanted and needed for the shortened attention spans we were all approaching. Then it all changed one day when Tropical Storm Facebook arrived. We thought yeah this new thing is cool but you need to get an e-vite to even get in the party, so MySpace was still technically winning the bout. All of a sudden the flood gates opened and free sign up to Facebook was clear for all high school girls and predators to join in peace and it turned into category 5 Hurricane Mark Zuckerberg. As if Facebook didn’t already give MySpace the knockout of its life, few years later Twitter came through the scene and ended MySpace’s career like Lavaar Arrington ending Troy Aikman’s career. Then as the punk drunk boxer MySpace pretended to be, they pulled a Rocky move and got back in the ring for “pride purposes” only this time using all of the tactics the opponents used to decimate them and combined them, as well as creating a music entity years after the music streaming and licensing wave had already reached high tide! It disappointed me so much to log back into my MySpace 6 years ago to see that I still had a Soulja Boy song on my page, a top 32, 26 of which were deleted profiles and my screen name was still “Kids call me Mr. Sniffles” (taken from The Clipse grindin’ song) and I’ve never ran across a brick of dope in my life, ahhh to be young and very stupid! I digress, but here is where I want to present a funeral service for MySpace: You served a lot of people well, I met a lot of girls who with a nice direct message were willing to proceed with consensual fellatio activities and proceed to put me and my friends in their top 8. I also thank you MySpace for being the “Page theme song/album originator” (that got you in the door if all you had was the right song on your page) and lastly I thank you for starting the first successful and getting people mixed up in emotions of real life and internet friendships that made women everywhere WANT to be in my top 8! You might continue in the dot com era, but your soul will be forever floating above with me. RIP MySpace, I now will put my own lock on your website so that my web history will never see your petty filth again.

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