One of my favorite times of the year starts with NFL training camp and one of my favorite movies of all time is ROUNDERS. This ahead of its time movie, meshed with the 2015 NFL season which has a few story lines for the making of a season as dramatic (and predictable) as the CW classic The Game (I’ll never associate it with the filth station that destroyed it aka Black Evil Televison– see Boondocks season 2) has me thinking from my last viewing (making the total views now 101) which tea and which characters from the movie will go tilt, busy, and flush (the jargon is 100x better when viewing the movie). They make it sound a lot cooler than I am (for now). So without further ado I will now introduce the Rounders to NFL Awards!!!
The Joey Knish Award: Given to the Team/Player who grinds it out just enough for that rent money
(Random Tangent– Nothing greater than toward then end when Joey ask Mike Mcd how much he needed– 15k by the way– and Joey says yeah and I need a blow job from Christy Turlington)
The Preseason Joey Knish award for the NFL would have to go to none other than any Rex Ryan coached team without a viable QB…which is every Rex Ryan team ever coached. I mean is there anyone who “grinds it out” more than Rex Ryan coached teams?!?!?!? I asked myself a couple of days ago would I even include the J-E-T-S or the Bills this season, if Rex Ryan actually had a chance to coach a team with a QB actually worth being on the field to sling the pill?!?!? Then I went back to those back to back AFC championship years and thought with a great defense, even Trent Dilfer can deliver a Super Bowl (I laughed just writing that). Congrats to all Rex Ryan teams for working that much harder only to grind it out and never risk it all on the big game ( with QB’s like Sanchez and Tyrod Taylor for crying out loud how can you?) and keep grinding out those meaningless AFC losses. Somebody had to say it at some point!!!
The Teddy KGB Award: Given to the Team/Player who wins early and goes bust in the end
Not to spoil the movie but how often does a Russian mob boss make out two thumbs up in a good guy movie?!??! (Random Tangent: The role for Teddy KGB, understandable. The horrible Russian accent when it opens and he says “You want cookie?” is the worst acting job I’ve seen since they gave Keanu Reeves a football player gig, then a Samurai, then an assassin, etc, etc, etc. I mean how did the script read go? He had to be screwing the casting director and NOBODY can tell me otherwise! Back to regularly scheduled awards). The team most deserving of this award would have to be the Cincinnati Bengals. No crystal ball needed. I know Vegas always loves the spread on the Bengals when that last NFL week comes to a close and those playoff match ups are announced. I mean they lost to T.J. Yates…. TJ YATES!!!!! It will always be in the Bungals fortunes to FUMBLE at those times! I say just to reverse the curse this year all Bengals fans just boycott the game and let the players think it’s a primetime scrimmage!!! That way they won’t know fold like Jay-Z’s Kingdom Come beach chair when the game is on the line ( Y’all were thinking the same thing!) Congrats to the Bengals on your award and to Bengals fans everywhere, if i weren’t a Washington Redskins fan, I would actually feel bad for YOU!
The hooker who answered the apartment door award: Given to the team whose “Slip is forever showing” (Google the saying)
This part of the movie honestly made me start this column because as soon as I saw this part of the movie–when you see the movie you will know– I thought of the one team who always is offering other teams a twirl…The Jacksonville Jaguars!!! You have to take yourself into the mind of an NFL player or collective team to think whenever the Jacksonville Jags are on the schedule there is that “Automatic Bye week” feeling like the fantasy football team on the ropes in week 11 but sees the guy who stopped setting his lineup in week 4 up next ( I was that guy in 2 of my 3 fantasy championship seasons I’m an expert in this category). I knew last year that my Redskins were in for a long losing season last year but as soon as I saw the Jags on the schedule I knew no matter what QB in the literally 3 ring circus we had out there we were winning by AT LEAST 14 (41-10 score by the way). The Jags……..Who am I kidding this joke could run 24 hours…SERIOUSLY. I would say congrats, but being the NFL hooker of the year just doesn’t boast well as a compliment…Get it together, from your Captain Hook mustache owner all the way down to Backwood Blunts Blackmon sheesh, even the late, great Al Davis from his grave would thank the Jags for making the Raiders not so terrible (RIP Al “Just win baby” Davis).
The Worm award: Given to the team most likely to get their a** kicked for cheating
The friend who you always want to help, but will always screw the pooch no matter what happens? (We ALL have that friend, some of you have MULTIPLE!!!) This guy was the king of screwing the pooch. I’m convinced if Worm was given a penalty kick in soccer with NO goalie between the posts, he’d sail it trying to cheat somehow (almost sounds like a team near Boston…too soon???). Worm tried to work every angle possible to get an edge in the card game (sound even more like that team near Boston??? Don’t worry it’s rhetorical). Mike McD even let this dude put credit on his name in multiple places, which I can understand because Worm didn’t snitch in him back in the day, still I wouldn’t stake my MOTHER in those places and with the people he owed money to (not with the a** whooping’s they were passing out, and by ass whooping’s I meant beat to death). I said all of that to give this award to (not the team near Boston, unfortunately) the New England Patriots (oh yeah it is the team near Boston!!).
The Mike McD award: Given to the preseason favorite for a bad start to somehow turn it around and make it to the championship
Mike McD the main character pretty much gets too cocky before I even get settled in watching the movie, goes bust, then has to scratch and claw his way back to the top (any difference from any other feel good god guy wins in the end movie??? No, but still one of my all time favorites).
Random Tangent: Mike McD has the dopest opening line in movie history and no one can tell me otherwise. the opening line is how hip hop intro songs used to be (actually cool to listen to). Anyway the line pretty much says “Listen, here’s the thing. If you can’t spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.” So much greatness in one shot like the Jordan playoff winner against Cleveland, Immortal.
This award will have to be given to the Seattle Seahawks who obviously fit the bill of way too cocky before the season settles in, will probably go bust one time this season, then ride the defense back to the promise land, for the feel good team (who is actually hated now for not running the ball ON THE ONE YARD LINE!!! You really think I wasn’t going to bring that up?!?!?!). Congrats to all of the preseason award winners and I’m looking forward to see how the season plays out!