The Bottom Line is: Myspace should be stripped from existence


myspace rip

We millennials who grew up with the great technological privileges that most 2 year old children have waiting at their finger tips as soon as they are able to say they’re first words. I myself, came from an era of the half and halfs. Half of my life I had to always remember phone numbers for emergencies and go up to a girl a shoot my shot without the “easy button” direct message. The other half was spent developing my internet game and placing names in a smart phone, only to be dumb enough to never know they’re numbers if my phone ever died. I said all of that to say,even though the cell phone craze was bubbling around the year 2003-2004 era, I knew that the creation of MySpace would forever change the social landscape of not only friendships, but dating and relationships overall. The creepy white guy who had a white board full of writing we wanted to read but was never legible enough to read was giving nerds as well as guys who did not have problems in the friend department the cheat code for meeting the opposite sex. Even if you have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. you have to always give props to the originator of the awkward online meeting scene to Tom and his innovative creation of MySpace.

Now to my real point. As I stated earlier Tom was a visionary in the year 2003. Back when Nokia, Ericsson, Sidekicks were the powerhouses of the cell phone game, and you still had to pay 10 cents per text. Those WERE the days let me tell you. This is 2015 and every single social media company I named earlier is destroying MySpace and has been throwing quarterly hay makers at the company since their respective inception. Don’t get me wrong MySpace had more than its fair share of a great run. I mean who could forget when you thought you were a web page designer and could layer any background, cool memes, ESPN tickers, and bedazzled everything, create a rift in your friendships by only putting the best 8 people you knew on your front page without clicking on the rest of the friends (this was female purgatory), plus choose THEME MUSIC FOR YOUR PAGE!!! I thought my mind exploded like the Asian kid on Fresh Off the Boat the first time he heard hip hop. It was great! You had everything a young millennial mind wanted and needed for the shortened attention spans we were all approaching. Then it all changed one day when Tropical Storm Facebook arrived. We thought yeah this new thing is cool but you need to get an e-vite to even get in the party, so MySpace was still technically winning the bout. All of a sudden the flood gates opened and free sign up to Facebook was clear for all high school girls and predators to join in peace and it turned into category 5 Hurricane Mark Zuckerberg. As if Facebook didn’t already give MySpace the knockout of its life, few years later Twitter came through the scene and ended MySpace’s career like Lavaar Arrington ending Troy Aikman’s career. Then as the punk drunk boxer MySpace pretended to be, they pulled a Rocky move and got back in the ring for “pride purposes” only this time using all of the tactics the opponents used to decimate them and combined them, as well as creating a music entity years after the music streaming and licensing wave had already reached high tide! It disappointed me so much to log back into my MySpace 6 years ago to see that I still had a Soulja Boy song on my page, a top 32, 26 of which were deleted profiles and my screen name was still “Kids call me Mr. Sniffles” (taken from The Clipse grindin’ song) and I’ve never ran across a brick of dope in my life, ahhh to be young and very stupid! I digress, but here is where I want to present a funeral service for MySpace: You served a lot of people well, I met a lot of girls who with a nice direct message were willing to proceed with consensual fellatio activities and proceed to put me and my friends in their top 8. I also thank you MySpace for being the “Page theme song/album originator” (that got you in the door if all you had was the right song on your page) and lastly I thank you for starting the first successful and getting people mixed up in emotions of real life and internet friendships that made women everywhere WANT to be in my top 8! You might continue in the dot com era, but your soul will be forever floating above with me. RIP MySpace, I now will put my own lock on your website so that my web history will never see your petty filth again.

What Happened to: The Ebola epidemic?


Health care workers, wearing protective suits, leave a high-risk area at the French NGO Medecins Sans Frontieres (Doctors without borders) Elwa hospital on August 30, 2014 in Monrovia. Liberia has been hardest-hit by the Ebola virus raging through west Africa, with 624 deaths and 1,082 cases since the start of the year. AFP PHOTO / DOMINIQUE FAGET (Photo credit should read DOMINIQUE FAGET/AFP/Getty Images)

I was looking online the other day at a polio outbreak overseas recently and it go me to wondering about the random and majorly televised Ebola outbreak. Honestly where did it go? Did it have appointments elsewhere??? I mean for a while there I knew the Ebola outbreak was bad when old rich people were staying as far away possible from foreigners and international airport terminals! I looked up a few articles that had the real Ebola epidemic starting around August-September of 2014. It is now a year later and I have heard no Ebola rumors, rumbles, or reactions. They calculated this outbreak to be a category five hurricane, which quickly turned into the tropical storm “forget quick.” I mean seriously, the Ebola outbreak went out of style faster than Anthrax!! Those are the only two instances where I saw people on public forums asking where the nearest stores selling quarantine gear were! At least Anthrax’s’ stock was alive and well for 1.5 years. Ebola was used as a joke when I was growing up, but the real outbreak lasted about as long as the “Immaculate Conception” (if you don’t know, ask your parents for that one). So I went around this past week asking just a few people if they knew about the Ebola outbreak going on right now, and I can tell you first hand, people thought that the Ebola outbreak happened after Katrina, or before the Batman movie theater shooting!!! SERIOUSLY! This outbreak passed through our minds faster than prune juice and the elderly. Even the presidential candidate Deez Nuts is having a longer run in the minds of people (we’ll come back to this one in a year). The most defining moment of when I knew that Ebola had disappeared from people’s mindset was when I walked into a black barbershop and asked the barbers about it and they spent more time cutting hair than talking about it, and black barbers will start, continue, and finish a conversation about EVERYTHING! The only thing I could get out of them was “Oh yeah, I remember that, man 2011 was a crazy year dog” That solidified that I had to at least ask what happened to Ebola! Did we find a cure? Did we make sure anything was actually done? Because if not for seeing a comeback for a polio outbreak I would have forgotten all about it. Ebola’s stock dropped faster than Kayne’s microphone after he announced he was running for president in 2020! I’m not wishing the scare or outbreak comes back….I just want to know what the hell happened to it?!?!?!

Rounders and the NFL


Red Eye Chronicle

rounders

One of my favorite times of the year starts with NFL training camp and one of my favorite movies of all time is ROUNDERS.  This ahead of its time movie, meshed with the 2015 NFL season which has a few story lines for the making of a season as dramatic (and predictable)  as the CW classic The Game (I’ll never associate it with the filth station that destroyed it aka Black Evil Televison– see Boondocks season 2) has me thinking from my last viewing (making the total views now 101) which tea and which characters from the movie will go tilt, busy, and flush (the jargon is 100x better when viewing the movie). They make it sound a lot cooler than I am (for now).  So without further ado I will now introduce the Rounders to NFL Awards!!!

The Joey Knish Award: Given to the Team/Player who…

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The bottom line is: Chick-Fil-A is a CULT


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This is the first edition of the bottom line, and I could not think of a better way to start off this segment with my most loved and hated restaurant of all time which would be Chick-Fil-A. I mean lets cut to the chase here, you have as well as I have on many occasions thought that Chick-Fil-A was the biggest cult in the universe right? Ok, ok, maybe not but I have my reason why I firmly believe this and and willing to share and to convert you to the same way of thinking….sounds familiar right? like chris….never-mind.

Before we delve into why I hate Chick-Fil-A and love it at same time, all the while thinking they’re a massive cult, I wondered for sometime now how I even got to this conclusion and did some fast food research at every restaurant I went to. I went to Wendy’s first because I obviously wanted a horrible experience and delicious burgers at the same time. When I went up to the counter, I noticed a few things off bat, the first being the hood rat at the counter who has nothing better to do but catch an attitude with me with all the intricate eye rolling, gum popping, and neck snapping that I obviously couldn’t get enough of.  I move to the right whilst waiting for my Baconator, and when I ask for some ketchup I go to call for the lady at the counter and one of my pet peeves rears its ugly head at me and I notice something unforgivable: The lady at the registers’ name is Tomaxinapranesha and when I attempted to say it (and slaughtered it) she says how can you not get my name right it says it right here on the name tag (to her credit it did have the lines so you know the syllable count) and you still can’t get it right? I responded the only way I knew how: “If your name didn’t look like a GTA cheat code, I probably would have known not to press the x and up and a at the same time.” So with that experience now through and me being banned from that Wendy’s for life I moved on to the topic of discussion for more research: Chick Fil-A

Upon me entering the fine christian establishment, I went into full research mode and scoped the place out with reckless abandon, searching to see who was at the counter to how many ketchup packets were in the holders. Now don’t get me wrong I love Chick-Fil-A’s food AND their excellent service, but does anyone else besides me think that they are just TOO nice for it to be Monday at 11:00 during the start of their rush??? Don’t you think Carissa is just giving you too good of an experience when she continuously says “My pleasure!!!” in that fake she’s WAY to excited to be making minimum wage voice? Do they not all sound like brainwashed cronies when they take your order? There is NOOOOO WAAYYYY I’m the ONLY person who believes this. I mean even the people who only change the tea and lemonade bins ALL DAY give you the impression of elctro-shock obedience that only the Chick-Fil-A restaurant can project. I ordered my food completely creeped out now because they all have that weird “We’re here because of indentured servitude” look on their face, but for some reason that number 3 spicy chicken sandwich is the only goal and I stay until i get it. While waiting on the sandwich to finish, when the swinging doors open back and forth from the front to the kitchen i notice someone who looks familiar in the back with the apron on cutting and frying the chicken. The person I think it is I really can’t believe so I take a double take, then a triple take and finally I can’t keep my mouth shut about it and I ask the girl at the counter, “Is that Rae Curruth back there on the grill? With a Jason mask on?” Then she looks back there and looks back at me with the signature, sinister Chick-Fil-A employee laugh and just stares at me until I get my sandwich. Needless to say I got the fuck out of there immediately and I will only frequent the Chick-Fil-A drive thru which only gives me a 1/4 of the cult experience.

Fairytale Thoughts vs. Realistic Lifestyles vol. 1


ftt vs rls

To whom it may concern,

I have been on twitter since 2010, and while tweeting over 18,000 times, I have also researched a theory that I am branding exclusively for the internets, and that Is the Fairytale Thoughts vs. Realistic Lifestyles ( formula FT-BS= RL…more on this later). What I have found is that bullshit walks a lot farther than people have realized, leading to the creation of on site credential spotters such as these fine social media networks, location spotting smart phones, as well as this new phenomenon periscope which will take this theory based formula to acknowledged law in no time!

The bottom line is this…We see fairytale thoughts pop up on social media from men and women every 3-4 seconds (depending on how poppin ya TL is). For example, just today I saw a chance for a guy to step up his marketing on his event (Hennyfest. First part of the formula FT for the fairytale portion). Nothing wrong with it, it was just a couple of the Hennypalooza guys saw it as sharing the wave and on twitter you know there can only be one Otto Rocket on the waves in 2015. Now when the Hennypalooza guys outed him for trying to steal the wave, the guy from Hennyfest was faced with that life altering Dave Chappelle, “When keeping it real goes wrong moments” and he chose to definitely keep it real (in fairytale circumstances). The guy first states that (paraphrasing) “We’re not wave stealing, there’s plenty of room for everybody to eat, plus we’ve been doing this for 10 years (first mistake, second part of the formula for BULLSHIT). Then already faced with his deception, he decides to go Will Smith from Focus and continue with the lie no matter what happens throughout the whole ordeal disses Hennypalooza, saying it was for the Weirdo hipsters (second mistake, as well as BULLSHIT to the second power). The next mistake was the guy then stating that they had been doing it for 15 YEARS (BULLSHIT is adding instead of subtracting as you can see) and the only reason it hasn’t been bigger or more known for its Hennessy leading product placement was because was invitation only. Not to already add insult to injury on this day for him, but you’re telling me with the amount of people making money off of Twitter and other platforms off of waves they’ve already started before social media, or thereafter, that you had no intention of making that event, after 15 YEARS bigger, better, or more marketable?!?! This may seem like slander, but please don’t confuse it. This man just needs help and my formula is here to provide that to him. You would actually want him to receive help after you here that the poor guy didn’t even have the event going for 2 YEARS because in another post found by you twitter trolls out there somewhere, it was found that this would only be Hennyfest 2.0 and that he created the event because Hennypalooza was commercialized and the lines were too long for the open bar and it was “too crowded” for his liking. This right here is a serious cry for help and this man must be escorted out of LA LA LAND, not to be confused with…never-mind. The point is, in this equation, fam violated the Formula of Fairytale Thoughts by saying Hennyfest was completely organic and had no similarity (or water gun spraying Hennessy) to Hennypalooza, then sprinkled the Bullshit on HEAVY by saying they been poppin’ for 10 years, then 15 years, but in the in the equation balanced out (as always) with the Realistic Lifestyle of a man just wanting an event of his own (even if it is only in year 2) and wanting it to be successful and someday profitable, nothing wrong with that at all. My advice? Stick to the right side of the situation, because we all know what happens when you start going to the left.

Rounders and the NFL


rounders

One of my favorite times of the year starts with NFL training camp and one of my favorite movies of all time is ROUNDERS.  This ahead of its time movie, meshed with the 2015 NFL season which has a few story lines for the making of a season as dramatic (and predictable)  as the CW classic The Game (I’ll never associate it with the filth station that destroyed it aka Black Evil Televison– see Boondocks season 2) has me thinking from my last viewing (making the total views now 101) which tea and which characters from the movie will go tilt, busy, and flush (the jargon is 100x better when viewing the movie). They make it sound a lot cooler than I am (for now).  So without further ado I will now introduce the Rounders to NFL Awards!!!

The Joey Knish Award: Given to the Team/Player who grinds it out just enough for that rent money

(Random Tangent– Nothing greater than toward then end when Joey ask Mike Mcd how much he needed– 15k by the way– and Joey says yeah and I need a blow job from Christy Turlington)

The Preseason Joey Knish award for the NFL would have to go to none other than any Rex Ryan coached team without a viable QB…which is every Rex Ryan team ever coached. I mean is there anyone who “grinds it out” more than Rex Ryan coached teams?!?!?!? I asked myself a couple of days ago would I even include the J-E-T-S or the Bills this season, if Rex Ryan actually had a chance to coach a team with a QB actually worth being on the field to sling the pill?!?!? Then I went back to those back to back AFC championship years and thought with a great defense, even Trent Dilfer can deliver a Super Bowl (I laughed just writing that). Congrats to all Rex Ryan teams for working that much harder only to grind it out and never risk it all on the big game ( with QB’s like Sanchez and Tyrod Taylor for crying out loud how can you?) and keep grinding out those meaningless AFC losses. Somebody had to say it at some point!!!

The Teddy KGB Award: Given to the Team/Player who wins early and goes bust in the end

Not to spoil the movie but how often does a Russian mob boss make out two thumbs up in a good guy movie?!??! (Random Tangent: The role for Teddy KGB, understandable. The horrible Russian accent when it opens and he says “You want cookie?” is the worst acting job I’ve seen since they gave Keanu Reeves a football player gig, then a Samurai, then an assassin, etc, etc, etc. I mean how did the script read go? He had to be screwing the casting director and NOBODY can tell me otherwise! Back to regularly scheduled awards). The team most deserving of this award would have to be the Cincinnati Bengals. No crystal ball needed. I know Vegas always loves the spread on the Bengals when that last NFL week comes to a close and those playoff match ups are announced. I mean they lost to T.J. Yates…. TJ YATES!!!!! It will always be in the Bungals fortunes to FUMBLE at those times! I say just to reverse the curse this year all Bengals fans just boycott the game and let the players think it’s a primetime scrimmage!!! That way they won’t know fold like Jay-Z’s Kingdom Come beach chair when the game is on the line ( Y’all were thinking the same thing!) Congrats to the Bengals on your award and to Bengals fans everywhere, if i weren’t a Washington Redskins fan, I would actually feel bad for YOU!

The hooker who answered the apartment door award: Given to the team whose “Slip is forever showing” (Google the saying)

This part of the movie honestly made me start this column because as soon as I saw this part of the movie–when you see the movie you will know– I thought of the one team who always is offering other teams a twirl…The Jacksonville Jaguars!!! You have to take yourself into the mind of an NFL player or collective team to think whenever the Jacksonville Jags are on the schedule there is that “Automatic Bye week” feeling like the fantasy football team on the ropes in week 11 but sees the guy who stopped setting his lineup in week 4 up next ( I was that guy in 2 of my 3 fantasy championship seasons I’m an expert in this category). I knew last year that my Redskins were in for a long losing season last year but as soon as I saw the Jags on the schedule I knew no matter what QB in the literally 3 ring circus we had out there we were winning by AT LEAST 14 (41-10 score by the way). The Jags……..Who am I kidding this joke could run 24 hours…SERIOUSLY. I would say congrats, but being the NFL hooker of the year just doesn’t boast well as a compliment…Get it together, from your Captain Hook mustache owner all the way down to Backwood Blunts Blackmon sheesh, even the late, great Al Davis from his grave would thank the Jags for making the Raiders not so terrible (RIP Al “Just win baby” Davis).

The Worm award: Given to the team most likely to get their a** kicked for cheating

The friend who you always want to help, but will always screw the pooch no matter what happens? (We ALL have that friend, some of you have MULTIPLE!!!) This guy was the king of screwing the pooch. I’m convinced if Worm was given a penalty kick in soccer with NO goalie between the posts, he’d sail it trying to cheat somehow (almost sounds like a team near Boston…too soon???). Worm tried to work every angle possible to get an edge in the card game (sound even more like that team near Boston??? Don’t worry it’s rhetorical).  Mike McD even let this dude put credit on his name in multiple places, which I can understand because Worm didn’t snitch in him back in the day, still I wouldn’t stake my MOTHER in those places and with the people he owed money to (not with the a** whooping’s they were passing out, and by ass whooping’s I meant beat to death). I said all of that to give this award to (not the team near Boston, unfortunately) the New England Patriots (oh yeah it is the team near Boston!!).

AND FINALLY…

The Mike McD award: Given to the preseason favorite for a bad start to somehow turn it around and make it to the championship

Mike McD the main character pretty much gets too cocky before I even get settled in watching the movie, goes bust, then has to scratch and claw his way back to the top (any difference from any other feel good god guy wins in the end movie??? No, but still one of my all time favorites).

Random Tangent: Mike McD has the dopest opening line in movie history and no one can tell me otherwise. the opening line is how hip hop intro songs used to be (actually cool to listen to). Anyway the line pretty much says “Listen, here’s the thing. If you can’t spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.” So much greatness in one shot like the Jordan playoff winner against Cleveland, Immortal.

This award will have to be given to the Seattle Seahawks who obviously fit the bill of way too cocky before the season settles in, will probably go bust one time this season, then ride the defense back to the promise land, for the feel good team (who is actually hated now for not running the ball ON THE ONE YARD LINE!!! You really think I wasn’t going to bring that up?!?!?!). Congrats to all of the preseason award winners and I’m looking forward to see how the season plays out!